I avoided writing for all of engagement.
It might’ve been the chaos and busyness of everything. It might’ve been because I had absolutely no clue how to process through engagement – so I just threw myself into wedding planning.
Maybe it was some other reason. I’m not sure.
But on April 2nd, we got married. And I’m ready to talk to about it 🙂
It was the dreamiest and most perfect day of my entire life.
I don’t say that to be dramatic. Seriously. It was the absolute best day of my life. It was exactly everything I wanted it to be and more. There is nothing I would change about that weekend or that day.
We kept pausing that Sunday after the wedding, overcome with how blissful and overwhelmed we felt. It was by far the happiest day of our lives. So many people worked together to pull it off and we are so grateful for every single one of them.
Engagement, however, was not the most blissful time of my life.
Engagement was filled with tears and processing through every single bit of fear I had in my body. New fears of intimacy and commitment overwhelmed me. Noah dealt with many days (and nights) of me shutting down, confused about my own emotions, and quite frankly, terrified of marriage.
The thought that kept going through my head was “There’s no way out. Once I’m in this, I’m totally stuck. There’s no way out.”
And that thought was terrifying.
This was the first time I had chosen a relationship that was going to last for the rest of my life, no matter what.
To bring light to the season of engagement, in case you are engaged or in case you plan to be engaged and deal with this too, let me just tell you…
I thought about calling off the wedding more than once.
Not because of anything Noah ever did. And not because of any legitimate fight we ever had. But simply because I was overwhelmed with fear, sometimes that manifest itself in what I thought was legitimate logic.
Thoughts like “He doesn’t know the ways to romance me perfectly” or “Is he ever going to learn how to communicate better?” or even “Our story doesn’t look like theirs and they’re so in love and confident about marrying each other and I’m just scared. Is this okay?!”
I found flaws in everything. Every little thing that came up was a “make or break” for me.
But time and time again I would go to Jesus and community and they would both remind me of the Truth: That Noah was the best for me. That he loved me better than anyone. And that I loved Noah.
There are moments where you need those around you to bring you back to the Truth, even if it becomes repetitive. And even if it seems like common sense.
The truth is that I dealt with fear all the way up to wedding week.
Throughout our entire dating relationship and even to engagement, I never felt I heard God say “Noah is the one. Marry him.” I always felt like He gave me the freedom to choose him and didn’t give me many directional words about our relationship.
I wondered if I should’ve heard “Noah is the one.”; wondered if that was the tell-tale sign of how you know if you should marry someone; wrestled with this fear time and time again that maybe this was wrong.
But I decided to move forward afraid. Even if I didn’t have a “Thus sayeth the Lord.”
And then wedding day came. In fact, about two weeks before wedding day, I felt my heart begin to shift. I consistently started praying that I would feel everything – that I would be totally aware of what a big fulfillment this was. And I felt fear begin to disintegrate.
That day was so peaceful yet I was filled with nerves and excitement. It all felt so surreal.
This was my wedding day. The day I’ve been dreaming of for years. This was it.
And then suddenly 5:00 was here.
And as we waited to be lined up and begin walking down, I started crying and laughing hysterically. And I couldn’t stop.
This was it. This was the moment we had been praying for. As I walked towards the doors, my dad squeezed my hand. And I couldn’t contain the emotions I felt.
Gratitude. Thankfulness. Love. Overwhelming joy. All of it.
And I saw him.
Everyone else disappeared around me and I saw him at the end of the aisle. Crying. Grinning like a fool. And I was overwhelmed.
He was it. There was no doubt in my mind. He was my husband. He was the man God had promised for me, exactly and specifically. It was Noah.
When I got to the end of the aisle, we were both overcome with such joy. I kept staring at him and all I could think was “Wow. You’re him! YOU’RE HIM! I can’t believe you’re him! I can’t believe I get to marry you. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you’re him.” I literally only thought those thoughts for the entire ceremony.
And this overwhelming wave of the fulfillment of a promise filled me when we were pronounced man and wife. There was no doubt and no more fear. Noah was more than I asked for. He was more than I imagined he would be. He was the answer to a 7 year promise. He was the exact fulfillment that God said he would be.
Marriage is a dream.
I can’t explain it more than that and I don’t care if this is just the honeymoon phase.
But I feel more alive as a wife, specifically as Noah’s wife, than I ever have before. Despite the unfamiliarity of learning to live with a boy (lol) and adjusting to life as a married couple, there is still this place of familiarity and safety.
Nothing is a make or break anymore.
He is my partner and best friend. And it is the most blissful feeling to have someone know you better than anyone else.
I’m more in love with him now than ever before.
I think I had to choose him, you know? I had to do it all afraid only on faith and hoping that I wasn’t wrong about this being it. Because the revelation that he WAS it came at the absolute most perfect time.
I was made to be his wife. I really was. And he was made to be my husband. Undoubtedly.