If you’ve followed my social media, you might’ve seen that a pretty big thing happened a week and a half ago:
Noah proposed to me on Saturday, October 17th. And so far engagement has been crazy. Crazy as in, I feel like I am shell-shocked the majority of the time, saying over and over again: “Is this real life??”
Engagement is WEIRD. I don’t think anyone told me that. Or maybe they did and I ignored them.
Basically transitioning into engagement is so sudden and rapid, that there is very little time to process. You get a ring on your finger and all of the sudden all of your “maybe one day’s” become reality in the blink of an eye.
You have to start teaching your heart how to let its guard down.
There are no “what if’s” anymore.
There are just “is” moments.
This is happening. We are getting married. We are planning a wedding. You actually are my husband I’ve been praying for.
Thats sounds so exciting to people. I get that. If you’re single, you might be thinking “I want the is moments! I want to be saying all of that.”
But for me… it has been terrifying.
Engagement isn’t an easy adjustment! I have no idea why but it’s mostly just freaked me out because CRAP GOT REAL, FAST!
Here’s the situation.
“My husband” and “marriage” have been HUGE promises on my life for the past 5-6 years.
I’ve gotten words upon words, fought through seasons of doubt and pressing in, seasons of intense revelation, seasons of drought.
I’ve pressed into believing for guys who weren’t it.
I’ve had my heart broken and been disappointed.
I went 6 years without dating anyone, all while God kept speaking “He’s on his way.”
So when he actually did arrive… it was hard to believe that this was REALLY it.
Given – there were a LOT of things to tip me off. Many, many various confirmations.
But I tried dissecting all of it… all of him… to figure out if he really was it.
I analyzed him up and down. I ran every situation through my “perfection” lens. I took into account all of my emotions, making sure they lined up with the emotions that I thought coincide with receiving a promise from God.
And let me just tell you…
It didn’t add up.
He wasn’t perfect. (shocker… he’s human so perfection is pretty hard to achieve). I didn’t feel perfectly all the time. (shocker… I’m human so I’m a rollercoaster of emotions very often and perfection on my part is pretty hard to achieve as well). I wondered consistently if our love was “big enough” to sustain the big words I’d gotten.
I have been attacked with doubt and fear over the past 2 weeks. Right before he proposed until even now. Sometimes, waves of panic hit me. “Marriage is forever. Do I love him enough? Do I like him enough? Do we have what it takes to have a successful marriage for the rest of our lives? Holy crap… ‘the rest of our lives’!”
Our proposal was a little awkward and not perfect but adorable just the same. (Not a flaw on him… being the crazy person I am, I voiced a lot of things that I wanted in a proposal and he tried to incorporate every little thing I wanted and that was adorable and wonderful because he’s amazing… but probably not the way he originally wanted to propose… which would’ve been way better than all of my ‘suggestions’ – that was a huge ‘trust your husband’ lesson in itself)
I knew it was coming. (How do women not know it’s coming, by the way?? He was SO weird all day and that made ME weird! I kept thinking ‘If he isn’t proposing, we’re going to need to have a serious talk because he’s so weird right now.’)
I wasn’t overwhelmed with joy and began weeping when I saw the ring. (Which was what I expected my reaction to be. I was more just like HOLY CRAP THAT IS GORGEOUS. AND IT’S ON MY HAND. WAIT WHAT. THIS JUST HAPPENED. THIS HAPPENED?!?! I JUST GOT PROPOSED TO!? WE’RE ENGAGED!?!)
In fact… I was talking about poop 30 seconds before he proposed. (Not my proudest moment. Apparently when I know I’m getting proposed to and there’s a camera in my face, I turn into a little crazy wind-up toy and start talking about whatever’s on my mind. Namely, poop. That picture at the top is probably the moment that that’s happening.)
And I have felt scared. Scared of marriage. Scared of that kind of intimacy. (That’s what’s really happening in me right now. Despite the fact that I’ve longed for marriage, when it’s at my front door, for some reason, it’s still scary).
And I have wondered, “If this is it, am I supposed to feel this way?”
But I had this revelation yesterday.
I think we miss many promises of God because we insist they look perfect. We think, “If it’s from God, every aspect of it will be perfect.” AND THAT’S NOT TRUE.
I would love to ask Mary how she felt when she was pregnant with Jesus.
I bet she dealt with insecurity. I bet she had stretch marks and sore feet. I bet she had nights of no sleep or days where her hormones got the best of her and she yelled at Joseph for cooking pita the wrong way.
She was carrying that perfect Promise inside of her. Yet I’m sure there were many aspects that made that Promise feel less than perfect.
I wonder if at any point during those 8-9 months, where her clothes started fitting weird or her best friends started spreading rumors about her, if she thought “This can’t be the promise. It’s too messy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. There are so many things about it that aren’t perfect.”
Especially when her contractions started while she was on a donkey.
Especially when there was no room for them as her contractions worsened.
Especially when she propped her head and feet up on hay as the cows in the pen behind her kicked up dirt.
It wasn’t perfect… the birth of our Savior and the circumstances surrounding it… the biggest promise there ever was.
He was delivered in imperfect circumstances.
That’s the point.
Promises are delivered in imperfect circumstances.
I am so sick of people not walking into their promises because every little thing is not perfectly aligned. Of young adults dating and breaking up after a while because their relationship is “hard” or isn’t “perfect” or their significant other just doesn’t “get them” perfectly so it surely can’t be their spouse, because their spouse will always just get them. (THAT’S A LIE, BY THE WAY).
Of people working at jobs or moving to cities and having relational conflict or trouble in ministry and just ditching because it’s not perfect. Because ministry has to be perfect if it has the hand of God on it too, right?
Stop insisting that perfection = the promise.
And stop comparing your promise to what you see people advertising the promise looking like on Instagram. Church-planting, engagement, marriage, relationships, whatever. I guarantee you it’s less glamorous than you think.
Enjoy the process and the fact that it’s not perfect.
I’m walking into a promise. And I’m terrified most days.
But I’m marrying a man who flippin’ adores me. Really. It is overwhelming how much he loves me.
I’m marrying a man who is HOT and loves Jesus with a fiery passion.
I’m marrying a man who is so extremely humble, patient, and loves people intensely.
I’m marrying a man who is a fighter and is tender-hearted.
I’m marrying a worshipping warrior who loves to press into the hard places.
I’m marrying a man who isn’t afraid of my emotions and is so steadfast & resilient, especially when I feel like I’m all of the place.
I’m in love with him.
And I pick him to be in this process with.
Also look at him y’all.
That’s my freaking future HUSBAND. WHAT IS LIFE AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!