There’s something on the tip of my tongue.
I don’t know what it is but it’s burning in me. I think it could be the thing causing the migraine right now.
I can barely sit still as I think about what I want to say but don’t have language for yet. So here’s to hoping that somehow, as I write this, my words with transform into what has actually been wrestling inside my heart for days.
I wasn’t made for the waiting room.
For my whole life, as I’ve grown and walked with Jesus, one of the things I’ve been trained in is how to guard my heart. Guard your heart, Courtney. Guard your heart. Guard your heart.
What does this mean?
In my mind it’s meant protect yourself. Keep yourself safe. Don’t give your heart away.
Hear me out – There is validity to this.
We aren’t called to flippantly throw our hearts towards passions and people that are not from God. Especially when it is the wrong time and they are the wrong things.
But what happens when they are the right things?
What happens when Love begins to beg you to let your heart lead?
I’ve realized lately how risky Love is. And as a woman who struggles with wanting to maintain control over her life, I fear the totality of allowing Love to lead. Who might I be if I wholly surrender to It? What kind of decisions might I make if I let Love lead me instead of my own logic and reasoning?
This is a terrifying reality to me.
Can’t I trust Love? Can’t I allow It to lead me into the good and pleasing will of God? God who is Love?
I still want control. And I realize it’s because I don’t completely trust my own heart. It has led me astray in moments before. It has been persuaded by beautiful words and empty promises and manipulated by false romance. How, then, can I allow Love… Love that is a matter of the heart and not the mind… to lead me?
I can’t reason out falling in Love with Jesus. I can’t lay out enough evidence for why I should fall in Love with the Most Holy. I love Him, surely. But have I risked allowing that Love to consume me? To surrender my control and fall hopelessly into Love with Jesus?
When I fall in Love, there won’t be a logical reason for why I follow. I won’t be able to soundly prove why I will follow Him wherever He urges my heart to go. I won’t be able to argue my point for why I will obey His calling no matter what. My heart will be controlled by Love and nothing else. I will have lost control.
But He’s worth my whole heart.
He’s worth the surrender.
He can be trusted to lead and guide me into good and pleasing things.
My heart can be found completely safe within His calling.
Sometimes it feels safer to stay in the waiting room.
We get into a comfortable place of waiting on a promise – interceding for the breakthrough. We know that we’re kept safe in the waiting room and at the right moment, the promise will come. So we gather in words and visions and promises for what might be on the other side of the waiting room. We develop expectancy. We foster unbreakable hope in the waiting room.
This is all well and good. It’s what we’re supposed to do in that season.
But how will we respond when Love calls our name?
When He begs us out of the waiting room and into the promise?
We must risk to believe.
We must risk to let Love lead.
We must risk to follow His calling – that He will keep us safe.
Sometimes, we are no longer called to guard our own hearts. Sometimes, when Love calls, He promises to be the One that guards our hearts instead. Sometimes, we’re supposed to open it up to whole-heartedly believing the fulfillment has arrived.
At the right time, we’re called to step out of the boat. And to maintain focus on the One who called us out of what felt so safe and comfortable. And into the risk.