I’d Rather Be Surprised

4 weeks ago, I sat in my discipleship group… crying.

Pathetic, woah-is-me, sack-cloth-and-ashes tears.

About boys.

And how I had prayed for everyone to start dating and then everyone (well.. a lot of people) had started dating. Just like I prayed for. But I must have been overlooked because there was just no one for me. I must have been exempt from my own prayers. Forgotten. Left behind.

I must have a fatal flaw. I must be too ugly. Too fat. Too emotional. Too… whatever. Because clearly… no one was coming to pursue me.

It was a low… being a 24-year-old woman and crying about boys.

“I must have missed it.” I cried to them. “I must be forgotten. It’s like it’s everyone BUT me.”

How many times do we feel like that? “It’s everyone BUT me.” We look around at our group of friends and see movement and provision. But that one tender spot of our own hearts, that place we’ve been believing for for years, is still left as a desire unfulfilled.

So we ache. And groan. And sometimes cry for this thing. Hoping and fighting, but often discouraged by the lack of any forward motion we see in front of us.

One of the biggest desires in my heart over the past 6 years has been to be pursued by a man of God.

Despite sounding superficial, it has been a very significant thing in my heart.

I haven’t dated anyone since I was 18. So for 6 years, it has been pushing in and believing for a man of God to pursue me, often when nothing looked hopeful. It has been filled with liking boys who haven’t liked me in return, boys asking me on dates who I wasn’t interested in, and seasons of God saying “wait.”

Waiting is freaking hard.

And a part of me thought I would be waiting forever.

But God is good and kind.

Waiting is not a forever kind of thing. 

There wasn’t some secret formula to having a desire fulfilled. But there was a release.

After that crying session, I went to a Heidi Baker conference that night. And something shifted during it. Where I looked at my circumstances and had this realization…

I had no idea when things were going to change. 

I became so hopeful that at literally any moment, things could change. Circumstances could shift. A man could come walking out of the wilderness and start pursuing me. I had no idea what my next moments would hold!

That night felt like Christmas Eve. I could hardly sleep. I was on the edge of my seat… thrilled at the potential and hope for every future day of my life.

“I have no idea when things are going to change.” I kept giggling to myself. Today could be the day. TODAY COULD BE THE DAY!

He’s the ultimate surprise artist. It’s the reason we’re not told the date or time He will return. He lives in the unexpected, surprise moments simply to delight us. Sure… He could tell us every detail. But He doesn’t. He doesn’t for the sake of our tender hearts and the magnification of His kindness.

He delights in us. It is His great pleasure to surprise us with good gifts.

So I became thankful for my season – knowing that at any second, things could change.

And three days later, I started talking to this boy. This boy who loves Jesus whole-heartedly. This boy who is Spirit-filled, Spirit-lead, joyful, tender-hearted and compassionate. And a week later he asked me to be his girlfriend.


You never know when things are going to change.

He’s the ultimate surprise artist. Give Him a chance to prove it. 


2 thoughts on “I’d Rather Be Surprised

  1. Court. You are a rockstar at putting your thoughts into writing. Every time I read one of your posts, I can literally feel the things you are feeling and go through te process with you. You challenge me in your openness and your ability to lean into God and believe his promises. So proud of you!!!


  2. Pingback: This Isn’t A Perfect Love Story | Peaches and Pies

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